i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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