I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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