Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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