I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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