my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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