also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
