I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
