Are we in a gay sports bar?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do vagina's smell?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
