She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
