Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
