Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
