i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
