I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
