whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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