woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
