Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
