It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
