You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
wakey wakey hands off snakey
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
