Well apparently he's into motor boating.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Randomize
