the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
