I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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