"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
