wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
