I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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