he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
