No stitches, just platelets and will power
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
