The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
