Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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