I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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