I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
drinking out of a sandbucket again
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
