everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
