Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
