So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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