the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
