I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
