Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
