Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
