No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
