What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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