She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
