Fine. I'll sleep in my office
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
