Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
