There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
