SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
