I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
