we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The beer is more important than you right now.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
