Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
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