I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
