Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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