I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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