first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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