On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
