Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
