a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
