Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
