Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
